The following link goes to a page with audio clips of Bill O'Reilly reading from his (assumedly) craptastic novel, Those Who Trespass. Here's the Village Voice's synthesis of the plot:

The murderer, Shannon Michaels, is pursued by an O'Reilly-esque cop, Tommy O'Malley. These two Irish-Americans share their author's tough-talk, lust for power, and (alleged!) belief that the best way to seduce a woman is to seize her breasts, preferably as she showers.
Selected quotes, which you can hear being read by Mr. O'Reilly:

"Say baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up."

"I would like you to unhook your bra and let it slide down your arms. You can keep your shirt on."

"Cup your hands under your breasts and hold them for ten seconds."

There's also an amazing clip of him reading through one of his soft-core porn scenes. Needless to say, I was hideously embarassed for the man.

[Hat tip to Rob]

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